Don’t worry, I will warn you before the potential spoilers.

I waited in line for three hours for Ain’t It Cool News’ first secret screening at Fantastic Fest. I had no idea what I would be seeing. I just squeaked in to the showing, and by some twist of fate found myself sitting in the VIP seats with Richard Kelly and his entourage, about to watch his follow up to Donnie Darko.

This is in no way a review. It is a reaction, my attempt to deal with what I saw. I had only heard the name of the film and had no idea what it was supposed to be about. At first, I thought it was meant to be taken seriously. It was a serious movie being done very badly. But then I considered that it was a farce. So it became a farce done very badly.

Southland Tales stars The Rock, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Seann William Scott, Justin Timberlake and a Saturday Night Live reunion party. Everyone has been cast against type, something the director did on purpose.

For the most part, I sat there with my jaw literally open because I could not believe what I was seeing and hearing. I’m not talking about a David Lynch flavor of bizarre. I’m talking about a Plan 9 From Outer Space-esque “Did he really just say that?” vibe.

I spent the entire movie thinking that I had just taken a bullet for all of you, for everyone I knew who had not seen it. I was pretty sure I was watching something really bad. But that’s the thing: It’s like it did something to my brain to make me think that maybe it was good. I thought I could give a definite recommendation about it, but I can’t.

If these things intrigue you:

SPOILER ALERT

1. Sarah Michelle Gellar as a porn star
2. A near future Neo-Con nightmare of America
3. An SUV growing an animated dick and fucking the vaginal muffler orifice of another SUV
4. Kevin Smith disguised as a scientist
5. The short dude from the Princess Bride as a transsexual wizard mastermind
6. A rift in the Time-Space continuum which threatens to destroy the 4th dimension
7. John Lovitz as a bloodthirsty racist cop
8. Justin Timberlake as the narrator who quotes from Revelation and then injects himself with an alternate fuel source so he can perform a Killers music video
9. Seann William Scott as the messiah
10. Moby

…then you will have much to love about Southland Tales.

END SPOILERS

When Richard Kelly got up and spoke about the themes and the symbolism in the film, it retroactively made the movie cool. The movie is part IV, V, and VI of the Southland Tales. Parts I, II, and III are each graphic novels, which we all received as we left the theater.

But most people will not get the benefit of the director’s commentary until the DVD and they won’t know to read the graphic novels first. And I’m not sure if what he was talking about was actually up there on the screen.

So I’m still not sure what to tell you. It may be an awful movie or it may be a work of genius.